She Don’t Want No Scrubs: Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas and her search for love

The media has made it has been a rough few weeks for black women. In addition to the new-found fascination with their seemingly inescapable singleness First, there was the release of Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too that displayed black women as little more than sophomoric children who only care about money and conjuring up ideas in their heads about who and where there loyal husbands might be cheating. Then, Basketball Wives made its premiere. This show depicted Black women as money hungry groupies who are currently or formerly married NBA players. They were crafted as desperate, jealous and self-centered women who cared nothing about their families or building a future. Finally, there was the more interesting What Chilli Wants?

What Chilli Wants followed the former music sensation as she searched for a man on the streets of Atlanta. She had a laundry list of specifics. Chilli wanted a man who was a teetotaler, non-smoker, had a six pack, successful, saved and sanctified, got along with her family, an abstainer from pork and hung. After watching the show I had to scratch my head and ask if Chilli is representative of the wants of Black American women and if so, could this be the reason that so many Black women are sans husband.

I decided to take an informal poll and ask some Black, White and Hispanic women what they were searching for in a husband. Though not a representative sample, the answers were somewhat surprising. The White women focused heavily on humor and adventure. They felt that their men did not need to have an education but they did need to have a career and be ambitious. The Hispanic women said college was important but not necessary. They thought religion was important and had a height requirement though it could be waived. They stated that a man had to be open-minded, funny, intelligent and knew how to have a good time. Black women placed a heavy emphasis on education and career but more importantly occupational prestige. Black women did not say funny. They did not say adventurous. They did not say intelligent or ambitious. In fact, Black women used no adjectives that would endear a man to them personally. Black women presented a list that was less like a shopping list for a husband and more like a list of qualifications for a new corporate hire. In many ways, their list was very similar to Chilli’s: all shine and very little substance.

Everything on Chilli’s list made her man appealing to people who don’t know him. He looked great on paper. A college would happily enroll him. A job would happily hire him. A bank would gladly give him a loan. Chilli failed to mention those qualities that facilitate true intimacy. She spoke nothing of a compassionate, loving, understanding, man who would support her on her worst days and laugh with her on her best. The characteristics that Chilli omitted from her list of qualifications are exactly those that Chilli Should Want if Chilli wants to be happy and have her relationship blossom into something more than a temporary distraction. If Chilli wants a Sunday kind of love that lasts past Saturday night (as Etta James would sing), then she needs to reevaluate her list.

I read an article in the Boston Globe written by Dr. Robin Schoenthaler, a radiation oncologist at Massachusetts General Hospital. She wants women to ask an important question when attempting to ascertain if a man is husband material: Will he hold your purse? After years spent providing medical care to women with breast cancer, Dr. Schoenthaler feels that everything she learned about marriage, she learned in her cancer clinic. Dr. Schoenthaler has seen thousands of couples and encountered many men that she refers to as great “purse partners.” Every day these men drove their wives in for radiation treatments and every day these couples silently sat side by side in the waiting room. Dr. Schoenthaler describes, “Each wife, when her name was called, would stand, take a breath and hand her purse over to her husband. Then she’d disappear into the recesses of the radiation room, leaving behind a stony-faced man holding what was typically a white vinyl pocketbook.” Dr. Schoenthaler reports that of all the men that she’s seen pass through her clinic, the “purse partner” is her favorite. He sat in silence holding that purse “with the knowledge that 20 feet away technologists were preparing to program an unimaginably complicated X-ray machine and aim it at the mother of his kids.”

A man with a great career and education is important, but will he be there when you need him the most? Can he make you laugh when things are the most difficult? Does he stick by you when you are at your worst? Would he sit in the waiting room and hold your purse?

I encourage Black women to find happiness with compassionate steadfast men and not to put something as shallow as looks or wealth ahead of those things. Relationships such as marriage and parenting are long term ventures that outlast the transient characteristics that Chilli is looking for in a mate. In order to have a relationship that endures, you need a mate to love you when even when you feel there is no one else who does. You need a great purse partner.

Below I’ve posted the ad that Dr. Schoenthaler would recommend for any woman who is dating online and the ad that I recommend for any women who is looking for a long-term mate. In a few simple sentences, she’s encompassed the highs and lows and joys and sorrows that a couple will experience over time and the type of man that a woman needs in order to get through these experiences in one piece. She’s described the perfect purse partner.

WANTED

A partner for richer or poorer and for better or worse and absolutely, positively in sickness and in health. A partner for fishing and French food and beach walks and kayak trips, but also for phone calls from physicians with biopsy results. A guy who knows that while much of marriage is a 50-50 give-and-take, sometimes it’s more like 80-20, and that’s OK, even when the 80-20 phase goes on and on. A man who truly doesn’t care what somebody’s breast looks like after cancer surgery, or at least will never reveal that he’s given it a moment’s thought. A guy who’s got some comfort level with secretions and knows the value of a cool, damp washcloth. A partner who knows to remove the computer mouse from a woman’s hand when she types phrases like “breast cancer death sentence” in a Google search. And, most of all, a partner who will sit in a cancer clinic waiting room and hold hard onto the purse on his lap.